October 15, 2003

Generosity

One of the things I can't handle well, psychologically, is generosity. It goes back to my low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness and other such psychological lacunae in my mental health that many of you know, either from my online persona, or from knowing me personally.

I am not sure if its intended as an early Xmas gift, something to repay him back at some point, or what, but as I sat in my apartment last night, I got a knock on the door. It was Scott and he had some groceries I had left at the Olsons house--stuff he would never eat.

He also had a brand new television for me. Its the same brand as my old one, and actually a little better than that one. And, oh, yes, it does work, since I watched Dark City on it last night.

I just feel...awful isn't the right word, I am not sure there IS a word for the emotion that I feel about the whole thing. Unworthy is not an emotion, but its the closest word I can think of to it.

Update:

Now that emotion has turned into a purer guilt and unhappiness, since I have discovered that my brother has bought (and it has shipped) an early xmas present

A television.

Now the question becomes--can I/Scott return the first television? That might be easier than dealing with shipping back the second...

The moral of this story is to shut up about my problems.
Arref is right, that's not the moral. But sometimes when stuff like this happens, that's how I feel. Even if I know its utter greffet

Posted by Jvstin at October 15, 2003 7:47 AM
Comments

sigh
that is so -not- the moral of the story

but don't think of this as starting a debate, I know where you are coming from, my friend.

Posted by: Arref at October 15, 2003 10:31 AM

Heh. And now do you wonder why I throw 'dirt bag' parties, and tell my friends that all I want is a bag of dirt (not that I don't get good use out it, not that I don't need the fill on this low-lying lot.) They spend a buck or two, and I feel rich without feeling guilty. Weird, huh?

I totally understand.

Posted by: jenn at October 15, 2003 8:17 PM

I feel guilty too.

Luckily, Carla comes and holds my hand, and tells me it's okay, even if I can never return the favor and pay all my generous friends back somehow, it's okay.

Posted by: LizT at October 16, 2003 12:46 PM