October 31, 2003

Anatomy of a Depressive Mood

Although its Halloween, the unofficial holiday for Roleplayers (and a real holiday for at least one of my friends...), I am not in the best of spirits today.

I can feel it trying to creep on the borders of my waking mind.

Depressive mood.

I've mentioned once, on my blog, that at least I can recognize when these things are happening. I'm not completely defenseless.

Think of the Country of the Mind (my mind). It's a concept I've made good use of in my RPGs. Anyway, think of my mental landscape.

There is a gray and iron fortress-prison there in one part of my mind. Multilayered, imposing, evil. That's where the dark thoughts are, bottled up.

Every so often, something happens that opens up a crack in the walls, or the door, and one of these dark thoughts escapes. Around my landscape this dark thought will go, trying to infect every thought I have with darkness, depression and thinking the worst.

Fighting this is hard. Losing is even worse...because once I start that road, the deeper, even more vile things in the fortress then try to and sometimes escape. You know the ones. The ones that whisper of nihilism and despair, of hopelessness.

The strongest and most dangerous one is in the center of that place, chained like Fernis Wolf. He is the last one, the last of the dark thoughts.

He is the one who desires my extinction. He's only been truly out a very few times. Thankfully, or else I would not be here now.

But today, right now? One of the lesser, the earlier dark thoughts is in my head, using its poisons on me. Thinking about my loneliness, in an SOA post, was the earthquake which moved the stones of the fortress enough to let it escape. The dreary weather is not helping me any.

But the stronger dark things are still chained up.

Posted by Jvstin at October 31, 2003 1:01 PM